Finished: A Little Life (Yanagihara) One of the most tragic, intense books I've ever read, but a mesmerizing, beautifully written book. It is the story of so many people; the story of four boys who meet their first year in college, thrown together as suite mates, who become lifelong friends, even as they move onto completely different career paths; the story of a compassionate professor and his doctor wife who adopt a grown man when he's thirty, finally able to shower love on another human being after the professor lost his own son at the age of four; it's the story of the utter goodness, true goodness, in some people who display the meaning of friendship in their every thought and deed towards others; it's the story of unconditional love; but mostly it's the tragic story of Jude. Jude, a tortured soul who could never believe he was worthy of accepting that true friendship, or being loved enough to become someone's son, or being loved unconditionally for who he was. Jude, who could never fathom that he could bring joy to other people's lives. I'm too emotionally drained to recap this very long book, but will just write a little bit about it. Jude is abandoned as a baby, on top of a trash bag, near a dumpster. He's taken in by a brotherhood of monks, some who are kind, but a few who believe in harsh discipline (i.e., setting his hand on fire as a small child for taking something he shouldn't have), a few who believe in corporal punishment, a few who believe in sexual punishment, and one in particular who is a pedophile hiding out in the brotherhood. That brother takes Jude into his confidence when he's only 10 years old. He's kind to him, and teaches him music, and history, and math, and all about plants. He takes him under his wing and is never abusive to him like some of the other brothers. He cultivates Jude very carefully and deceptively until he is the only person who Jude trusts. Then, he easily talks Jude into running away from the monastery with him to go and build their own house and life together. Once on the road, however, he starts bringing men in to their hotel rooms to have sex with Jude, and makes Jude feel responsible for doing this to earn their money. After all, they want to eventually get a house together, right? It's just awful, awful, awful. Eventually, the pedophile also begins having sex with Jude, telling him they love each other and this is what people do who love each other. This horrific life for Jude goes on until he's 13 and the FBI actually close in on the pedophile, who've they've been searching for for years. The pedophile kills himself and Jude is placed in a group home where his sexual abuse continues by a few of the male counselors. They figure, why not, he's already ruined. It's so sad. One thing about Jude is that he's extremely intelligent. He's already taking classes at the community college, which is his only saving grace from the group home. Finally, Jude can take it no longer and when he's nearly fifteen, he runs away from the group home and hitchhikes across the country. Of course, the truckers also want sexual payment for giving him rides. Some are kind about it and some border on cruel, but already Jude's self worth is less than zero, so why not do the only thing he knows how to do...sell his body. Jude has had so many men rape him from the time he was a young boy to now that he gets very sick with venereal disease. After his last truck hitching, he has a high fever and is found in the parking lot of a convenience store by a man, a doctor, who takes Jude home and feeds him and gives him antibiotics to clear up the diseases. He also locks him in the cellar and plans to ALSO use Jude for his own sexual pleasure as soon as he's no longer contagious. Jeez....are there ANY good people out there?? So, the doctor makes Jude better, but then begins his cruel physical and sexual abuse. He intimidates Jude with a hot poker so he won't think of fighting back, but it never crosses Jude's mind to fight back. He must surely deserve this life for some reason. One day, when he's fifteen and has been in the doctor's clutches for six months, the doctor tires of him and takes him out into a field in the car. He then tells him to get out and run. He chases Jude in the car until Jude falls down in exhaustion and the doctor runs him over, crippling one leg for life. Jude wakes up in the hospital and the doctor has been imprisoned, admitting what he has done to Jude. Finally, the first kind person in Jude's entire life shows up...his social worker, Ana. Ana is kind and loving to Jude. She sees his potential. She sees his scars and his awful car injury and loves him no matter what. She helps him fill out college applications, and encourages him to apply for the best. And, of course, right after he's been accepted to a very prestigious college in Cambridge, Massachusetts, Ana dies of cancer. Of course. The one person Jude has grown to trust is now gone. Ana's girlfriend sees to it that Jude gets settled in at the college, whose name is never said, but I'm assuming Harvard, and then he never really sees her again. Jude is only 16 and entering college. He decides that no one will ever know what his life was before, what HE was before. He blames himself for what he was and doesn't see himself at all worthy of friendship or love. He always wears long sleeves, never taking off his shirt, because he doesn't want anyone to see the whipping scars on his back...or the massive cutting scars on his arms...the cuts he made himself, that the pedophile taught him how to do when he was so young, to escape the pain of life. :-( It's in college, though, that Jude meets his best friends for life, all of them eighteen, two years older than him, and all of them loyal to each other for the rest of their lives. JB is the flamboyant artist of the group, the most emotional one, and the one most likely to think of himself before others. He's also the life of the party most of the time. Malcolm is the more quiet, introspective one. He's the one who's always building little buildings out of scraps of paper...the one who becomes a successful architect, and the one who comes from money, but never uses that as an excuse to think himself better than anyone else. Willem is the actor of the group....the good looking guy with the blond hair and heartbreaking smile. The one who dates all the girls...but also the one with the most compassionate heart! He himself had a big brother who he worshiped who had cerebral palsy, Hemming. Willem always felt like his parents were rather cold and didn't really show either him or Hemming much love...they were hardworking farmers who had moved from Norway and experienced hardships that led them to be less emotional. Willem, the basic caregiver for Hemming, once he could push his big wheelchair around, is devastated when Hemming dies while he's in his first year of college, and less devastated when both of his parents die within months of each other later in the year. He's such a lovely, lovely person. The four of them, JB, Malcolm, Willem and Jude become suite mates in college, and room together in one fashion or another until they are all in their mid-twenties and finally making something of their degrees and dreams. Willem is closest to Jude and completely takes him under his wing. There isn't a day that goes by that Willem doesn't talk to Jude or be there for him in some way. JB gets busy in his art world with his art friends, and Malcolm gets busy trying to make his own architecture firm a success...but Willem and Jude are always in each other's immediate lives. Willem is a successful actor, and finally gets a few good breaks that make him successful and well known. Jude, as brilliant a mathematician as he is, goes to Law school in Cambridge, while also getting some Math masters at MIT. While in law school, Jude meets Harold and Julia. Harold is the law professor that changes his life! And, Julia is Harold's second wife. Harold is the person who lost a young son years ago, and he also takes Jude under his wing. He sees his brilliance and his potential and can tell that he's had problems and probably a rough childhood...but Jude never tells anyone anything about his past...not even Willem. He's too ashamed. They all know something bad happened to him, because Jude, with the gorgeous face and hair, walks with a devastating limp and gait because of the car injury. Anyway...I could go on and on, but the main gist of the story is that Jude ends up with Willem who cares for him, and Harold and Julia who care for him, and Andy, the doctor he meets when he's sixteen...the only one who ever sees all his scars, who cares for him. Andy he goes to day or night whenever he gets an open wound on his fragile legs that won't heal. The years of diseases that have ravished his body, in addition to the accident, have made Jude's feet and legs very precarious. Eventually, when Jude is thirty years old, and a very brilliant litigator, Harold and Julia tell him they would like him to stay an extra day at Thanksgiving that year...they've got something to talk to him about. Years earlier they had begun inviting the four friends to Thanksgiving and enveloped them all into their family. Jude is frantic thinking he must have done something wrong, or that Harold and Julia found out about his past, and are going to tell him they can no longer be his friends. However, the opposite is true! They've known and loved Jude for eight years now and they want to adopt him!! They think of him as a son and want him to officially be a part of their family. Of course, Jude is ecstatic and happy, but it also throws him into worse cutting on his arms than he normally does (yes, he still does it) because he couldn't possibly deserve their love and kindness. It all goes through, though, and the group of them has their various ups and downs for the next few years, but they are basically happy years. Willem is gone alot filming various films, and even though he seriously dates a couple of different women, they can never quite understand his attachment to Jude, so the relationships always end. Whenever Willem is gone, the demons from the past do come and haunt Jude more. He even tries having a relationship with a man who he meets at a dinner, who finds him attractive. This man, Caleb, turns into a nightmare though. He's highly embarrassed by Jude's disability and after what starts as a relationship, ends up beating him and raping him and humiliating him and throwing him down some stairs!! It is like his previous life come back to haunt him....all while Willem is gone to Europe on an extended movie shoot. He's beaten so badly that Andy has to put him in the hospital, but once Jude goes home, he tries to commit suicide by slicing his arms horribly. He really wants to die. He can't imagine being of value to anyone after what Caleb has done. Another friend finds him and saves him and when he wakes up in the hospital, Willem is there. He's come home from the shoot to be with him. When that movie is done, Willem tells his agent all work in the near future must be in the New York area (which is where the four now live) so he can be with Jude. The agent, like the girlfriends, does not understand his attachment to Jude. However, we see that Willem is a truly bighearted person who adores Jude. One day, when they are in their late thirties and have been living together, Willem very successful in his acting career and Jude very successful at his law firm, Willem realizes that he actually loves Jude more than just a friend and asks Jude if he would consider a real relationship...an intimate one, between them. Willem still does not know what Jude suffered in his past, or what Caleb did to him. Jude, though, loves Willem, and says yes. He has sex with Willem, but never enjoys it. He suffers through it and can't wait until it's over. He does this for a year and a half until one day Willem finds out about Caleb. Willem finally puts his foot down and makes Jude tell him about his past, and about Caleb, and Willem is genuinely horrified at the suffering that Jude has been through. He loves him and tells Jude that, but Jude doesn't feel worthy of the love. Willem insists that he's not going anywhere, ever...but he wants Jude to be honest about the sex. If he doesn't enjoy it, they won't do it. Jude is honest and says he doesn't. He's afraid he'll lose Willem by being honest, but Willem just holds him and tells him he'll never leave him. Willem is such a good, good person! So, they have what the chapter calls "the happy years", which is about the happiest Jude will ever get. JB has had several successful art shows and has space in a gallery. Malcolm has a very successful architecture company and has married his sweetheart, Sophie. Willem, despite being labeled now as gay, has a career that hasn't been hampered by his "coming out" one iota. Harold and Julia are happy, seeing their son and his friends often, and still teaching and doctoring away. Andy is still there for Jude whenever he's got a problem. And Jude, he's thriving at his work and living with and loving Willem. Jude's worst problem is that his legs are getting infected all the time, leading to several life-threatening bone infections. When Jude is 48, Andy finally convinces him that it's time to amputate his legs below the knee and get prosthetics that will actually allow him to walk easier than he has in years, and also take away his chronic pain. Jude has the surgery and has a long painful recover, but eventually is up and walking around on his new legs. Again, they are still in the happy years. One day, though, when Willem is 51 and Jude is 49, they are all set to gather at Willem and Jude's house in the country for a celebration. Willem goes to pick up Malcolm and Sophie in New York, and on the way to the country house, a huge truck runs a light and smashes into their car, killing all three of them. :-( :-( Jude's face flashes before Willem's eyes, and then Willem sees his brother Hemming sitting in his wheelchair, looking up and right at him...something he could never do in real life, and Willem goes towards him. Precious Willem (and Malcolm and Sophie) are all dead. It is just so tragic. Jude falls into despair and becomes suicidal again. Though he still goes to work and works all hours, he quits eating and is nearly dying from starvation when Andy, JB, Harold and Julia hold an intervention. They force him into a hospital with a feeding tube and create a schedule for when he gets out for someone to always be with him, making sure that he eats. He's simply awful and bratty to Harold and Julia, like a true child. He's certain they will tell him good riddance, but instead, they embrace him. He finally comes to realize after all this time that they truly do love him like a son. However, the loss of Willem is just too much for Jude to bear. After nearly three years without him, he gets all is affairs arranged, letters written, and then is successful in taking his own life. It's so, so sad. He's 51 and practically his entire life has been a tragedy, at least to him. So, I said I wasn't going to write much, but that's about as little as I can write to explain just the gist of this book. There is so much beautiful writing, and so many conversations and descriptive nuances and deep thoughts by the characters. I'm just exhausted, though, emotionally. I really need to find a happy book next! This was a great book of powerful love, though. Oh how I loved Willem and felt for Jude!